Monday, October 17, 2011

fighting over a trick is never a good thing!

But it's so entertaining...I know you've seen it in the movies and on TV.  And some of you may have seen it on the streets.  There's nothing like two prostitutes fighting over a trick.  You'd think this kind of mess would be reserved for streetwalkers -- think again, whores!  I've seen it happen many times during my tenure as an executive.  One particular memory stands out.....two senior level, successful, female sales executives.....both attractive and dressed in couture.  Getting the picture?  They were competing for an account (and ultimately a sale) and things began to get a bit strained.  I colleague of mine walked in on them and noticed they were in a heated discussion about the client in question....leading to a nasty argument.  Before it was over, the one wearing a St. John knit threw a half-full cup of  steaming hot coffee at the one wearing a classic Chanel suit. Side note = St. John should never win, in my book! Moral of the story, as a coworker of mine always says:  desperate is never pretty.  And neither is a coffee stained, six thousand dollar Chanel.  God how i wish i could have seen it first hand.  But, as you can imagine, the images and stories have traveled the floors of our office building....and have grown along the way! 

Monday, August 29, 2011

there's a shooting range closer than you think....

This post may be a bit of a departure from the normal corporate noise, however it's an interesting "dip" into a totally fascinating sub-culture and business.  THE SHOOTING RANGE!  So, for about a hundred bucks, you and a friend can pick the gun of your choice, eat a cookie and drink some lemonade, acquire two boxes of ammunition, choose a target and fire away.  Aside from the thrill of shooting a gun, you get a window into a different world.  Tattooed skin heads, foreplay date shooters, hard core military types, hunters, angry socialites, corporate whores (that's me).....and....here's the best:  a chick named "Lady Chaos!"  She was a sight:  strappy  high heeled shoes, white - torn - skinny jeans and a t-shirt with her name printed on the back -- all with a giant rifle and a target that looked like a political figure.  And a great aim.  Now, for me, it was the absolute best in people watching and the surprising adrenaline rush from shooting a gun.  But the scary part is that in about 90 seconds anyone can sign in and pay their bill.....and then be released into a room with 20 strangers, all holding loaded, deadly weapons, none with background checks or formal weapon training, some certainly under the influence, others with mental illness, no indication of why they are there and absolutely nothing to keep you from open firing on one another.  WTF?  I wonder what would happen if we installed one in our company gym?  Go check out a range today!!

Friday, August 12, 2011

A New Word!


SLORE

noun \ 'sl-hor \ : the combining of a "slut" and a "whore."  Usually in terms of a real trick-ass bitch who can't keep...(truncated).

Example of SLORE:  "Yo that bitch ain't nuttin but a mudda'fuckin' Slore!"

I just love this word.  A good friend (and fellow blogger) used this word as a salutation, to me, in a recent email.  And it sent chills down my spine.  The possibilities for this word are endless -- especially as i think about my job, my blog and the creatures we all encounter on a daily basis.  Only one comment (today):  all of the on-line definitions refer to Sloars as women;  I disagree that we should be limited to one gender.  I know plenty of male Slores.  Until my next post, feel free to purchase Slore mugs and t-shirts at Urban Dictionary (link below).  Now, keep your eyes and ears open for our new word and let me know when he or she pops up!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/








Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Keep the Camel in the Desert

And not in the office.  I'm going to keep this short and sweet.  Today, on my way through the lobby of our office building, I passed a professional level, female employee headed to the parking garage for her commute home.  She was pulling a rolling briefcase behind her and she had on a pair of skin-tight, flesh colored leggings that ......well......brought out the camel in her.  This is WRONG.  Why does this happen?  How does this happen?  Aside from being unsightly, isn't this a health issue? I can't really say much more, but i had to share my startling experience.  And I don't think it's a form of workplace prostitution at work here.

a different kind of corporate culture....

So, every now and then a whore gets inspired:  I just completed a transatlantic crossing on board the Queen Mary 2.  Aside from enjoying classic ocean liner luxury, I became keenly aware of the unique "culture" that existed among the crew on the ship.  The staff could not have been more diverse (all 1,400 of them).  They could not have been more excited to be there and to deliver outstanding service to every passenger.  They appeared to have a camaraderie that I've never seen in a corporate or hospitality culture in the states.  And their personal stories were amazing.  Our nightly martini waiter told us stories of growing up in Serbia where diversity was not embraced -- he openly admitted that before his tour of duty on the QM2 he would never have had conversations with the likes of us -- he had wisdom, optimism and spirit that was refreshing.  And dreams that were likely inspired by his experiences at sea.  Another story:  a bartender from Hungary told us how he began working for Cunard because he had followed the love of his life onto the boat -- three years later, he admitted that his relationship had ended and he said, "I lost my partner, but at the same time, I fell in love with the ship."  We were so enchanted by the employees, their authenticity and their charm that we were ready to leave the fancy decks of the boat and join the employees at the "crew bar" on deck one.   We never made it down there....despite our fascination. Why can't we replicate this kind of spirit in corporate America?  Cunard is for profit.  Prostitution definitely exists inside the company and on board the ships.  And I'm sure politics flourish.  But, for some reason, they were different. 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's a very, very small world. But, so very big.

Be careful.  Just a few weeks ago, a dear friend told me that she was "chatting" on line with a prospective sex buddy.  You know the story:  married, with children, looking to have fun, no strings attached .... just playing around on the Internet.....no harm done.  Right?  After a few online encounters, he decided to show my friend his whole self.  She was startled to find out he had an enormous....well....you get the picture.  And there were more pictures.  And then there was the "hook up."  And then he started to reveal more about himself.  As things unfolded, i learned that this guy just happened to be an executive that i work with.  Imagine!  The fling continues and now he's looking to find another person, on-line, to orchestrate a three-way sex session with my friend.  Now, whores, what would you do?  As i consider this guy's future, should i give him "points" for his natural gifts and entrepreneurial spirit? Or should i penalize him for his extracurricular activities?  Personally, i think what we do outside of work is private stuff......but every now and then it all bleeds together. And you never know when someone is going to take a screen shot! As i said earlier:  be careful.

For Profit Jesus?

I'm often asked about my religious and spiritual beliefs....and i often give the same answer:  I really don't know.  One thing i do know is that "church" is just as polluted as the private business sector.  The amount of profit, greed and scandal is plentiful.  Not to say that churches can't operate honorably......but come on now.....let's just step back and think about Eddie Long or any number of religious leaders that have been in the news recently.  Including those beloved Catholics!  So this brings me to the picture you see above.  A Jesus action figure with wheels and movable arms.  I can take him anywhere with me and have an immediate (and pure) connection for a one-time cost of three dollars, which feeds the profits of corporate whores like us, instead of the church.  He will listen to me without judgement and, perhaps most important, he won't touch me in inappropriately.  Unless I tell him to.  Go get yours tomorrow!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I just can't resist sharing this.....


And, believe me, this shit happens in corporate America all too often.  Come on guys and gals, can't you just come up with a fake identity before you start sexting and sharing pictures of your crotch?  I LOVE this video for more reasons than one!  Enjoy!

Harvard Business School: an interesting perspective on the corporate world

I recently had the honor of attending a one week mini-MBA at Harvard.  The program was targeted towards executives in my industry, but much of the content cut across business (and society) in general.  One of the lecture topics was the concept of "implicit bias."  The professor discussed research which supports the theory that the vast majority of people (and executives) cannot get beyond the biases that have been woven into their professional and personal fabric through their childhoods, media, personal experiences etc.  And the funny thing (not so much) is that it plays out day after day in my corporate brothel.  This was illustrated in class by one fascinating and well researched example:  how does the white male executive typically respond to a black woman in a position of power?  The answer:  NOT VERY WELL.  He becomes physically uncomfortable and, at times, is at a loss for words.  Literally.  The explanation:  his implicit bias makes it difficult for his little brain to process and accept the idea that an African American woman might hold the cards to his short and long term future.  And we wonder why so many black female executives crash and burn when surrounded by "the man."  I've already witnessed this once since being at Harvard -- I must say, i got a little pleasure out of seeing it play out!  So, the message to all you whores:  acknowledge that you, too, probably have an implicit bias.......get in touch with it, overcome it and work it to your competitive advantage.  Because the statistics show that most whores never will!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

It's OK to "discrimiate" against a poor performer. Slack asses are NOT in a protected category!

Here's the thing....being a minority of sorts i can certainly understand and appreciate the need for government agencies like the EEOC and programs like Affirmative Action.  With that said, as a seasoned Corporate Whore, I've seen so many employees and executives take advantage of these well intending programs, as well as our beloved legal system.  To the point that it's really beginning to piss me off.  I can't say this loud enough or with more conviction:  just because you have a certain # of years experience, an ivy league degree, a track record of promotions or adequate performance reviews it does not mean that you can sit back, rest on your laurels and expect that it will continue....unless you continue to DELIVER. 

But NO.  It gets worse.  When the party comes to an end.....not only is there a sense of entitlement, but there is the need to make false claims of discrimination or unfair treatment, create unnecessary legal work and rack up ridiculous costs.  And at the end of the day the facts will be illuminated at every one's expense.  Can we say ENTITLEMENT?  Normally when a prostitute does a good job, the client pays.  Big time.  But this is Corporate Whoring gone wild! 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

put a fading executive on ice or toss him into the fire?

Why is it that, at the highest levels of corporate America, executives are even more hesitant to deal with poor performance, conflict and the TRUTH?  During my 20 years i have seen many senior ranking leaders self destruct and be asked to leave (fired).  And usually with fat severance agreements that carry them forward a year or two with all the perks of being an active executive, maybe a nice outplacement package and possibly a pleasant "spin" on reality courtesy of public relations.  But when it comes to the execs that have put in their time....and have slowly become irrelevant.....we hesitate to help them leave with grace.  Instead we put them in fake jobs, store them in distant corner offices, give them lofty yet meaningless titles and allow them to wander the halls of the C-suite.  You might ask:  what harm is there in letting them hang out until they rot (or die)?  My answer:  this is the worst thing you can do.  The fake exec often pines for the days of power and glory, meddles in his or her predecessor's businesses, stirs the pot and more often than not is painfully aware that he's no longer a player.  Maybe even worse, the CEO loses credibility every time.....he or she feels good that they have given the fading executive a role....but the next tier of executives see right through it.  With a beloved pet, we "put them down."  With a chronically ill loved one, we hope that Hospice will help let them leave with dignity and without pain.  We need a solution for the fading executive -- maybe there is a corporate Hospice skyscraper -- a place we can send them all to pretend that they still have jobs and are relevant?  Do you have a better answer? I'd love to hear it....

Friday, April 15, 2011

Corporate Whores Can Change.....



Every now and then you run across an inspiring story and you realize that not all whores take the same well traveled road. Last time I was in LA (yes, it was for a corporate function), I found myself in need of a neck tie. After a wonderful brunch in West Hollywood, I happened upon a small boutique men's shop called Duncan Quinn. The gentleman that was minding the store had a charming accent and was from England, I believe. He told my colleague and I about his former career as an advertising executive....and that it was eating him alive....he walked away from it all to work for a designer (and brand) that he believed in. From the high-pressured halls of corporate America to a small, trendy boutique shop that does made-to-measure men's suits and also has a barber on-site, complete with fine scotch and cigars. Probably sounds like a bad choice to you, but I must tell you, after talking with him, buying a necktie and a croquet shirt I began to see his passion for the customer, the merchandise, the brand and the lifestyle.  It made me ask, once again: Who's the fool?


Saturday, April 9, 2011

You're Never Too Old to Sell It!


OK people....I've been away for a while....but I'm trying to reconnect with my inner (and outer) prostitute. And last night I was given the inspiration to get back to the keyboard. Over dinner with dear friends I was reminded that there are many ways to sell yourself, no matter what your age or assets. Turns out my friend's senior citizen mother (76 years old) has tapped into a revenue stream that I had never considered: she has discovered that medical schools will pay top dollar to study her vagina. It's real simple....she shows up for class, gets into the stirrups, puts a sheet over her head and the students get to view, poke and prod her womanhood for the duration of class, in the spirit of understanding female anatomy. One hour = $500.00. Now, that's pretty good, I think. My question for her: how was class last night?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Would you like the premium casket?


Did anybody watch "Six Feet Under?" Personally, I think it's quite possibly the most brilliant television show ever produced. It certainly poked fun at life and death, but it also illuminated the prostitution that is ever-present in the business of funerals, memorials, burials, embalming and cremation. Until recently, I've never experienced it first hand.....but let me tell you....the world's oldest profession is alive and well inside the walls of your local funeral home. The first thing that the funeral director said to me was, "have you been to our facility....and would you like a tour?" Who wants to tour a funeral home? After politely declining the tour, I was quickly escorted to a conference room that was flanked with death options and trendy urns, including some that were engraved with the state's college football teams. REALLY? Once the funeral director got past the obligatory condolences he marched forward with his script, which I'm sure was full of "add-ons" that would make everything really special for my loved one....unfortunately I cut him off at the knees when I told him there would be no burial, no service and no designer urn. With all of that said, I have to give him credit: he read the cues and he "closed the sale" without too much street walking. It's one thing to be a whore in a traditional corporate, for profit environment that produces a product, a television show or a service. But to tap into someone's loss for a company's gain is just about the worst kind of trick you can turn. Whores, you gotta draw the line somewhere...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Whoring extends beyond corporate America






Well, we always knew it was true. But in academia? Really? I think the answer is "YES!" Having been surrounded by academics my entire life, i can tell you that they, too, have their price. But they rationalize it with their sense of intellectual superiority and their perceived (or real) commitment to education and research. However, the politics, egos and agendas are just as present in the University as they are in corporate America. The big difference, in my mind, is that you can resist, fight and reject the system once you have tenure. In other words, whoring can have a timeline once you have those golden university handcuffs that promise lifetime employment, pension, benefits etc. -- things that are virtually non-existent with mainstream employers. This, alone, could be an argument for a career in education since it gets harder and harder to turn "tricks" as you get older. Imagine this, Corporate Whores: what would happen if you had "tenure?"
If you want a fun read that pokes fun at academic whoring (literally and figuratively), you should check out "The Student Body." It's a novel that describes the underground culture at Harvard University, including a prostitution ring! Enjoy!






























Friday, September 3, 2010

don't be a blue light special!


Sorry whores....I know it's been a while since I've posted....I've had some distractions that have shifted my attention away from prostitution. But I'm still here and I'm still turning tricks in corporate America. So, here's my question: what's your price? A dear work friend, and fellow whore, always tells me that everyone has their price and that everyone is for sale. I suppose this is true, however when does it start and stop and when do people really do what they believe in vs. what will garner the biggest stack of bills on the nightstand. And do they even realize that they are whores? My advice for the day: get in touch with your inner prostitute, review your strategic plan & price structure, always play safe and BE SURE to have an end-game in mind. In other words, don't make yourself an endless "blue light special," but use your corporate sex appeal to fund what's important and what will make you happy.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Don't Forget What's Important Fellow Whores....


So, let's take it outside of the office, shall we? Our kind of prostitution happens in every corner of the earth. Today's message is a bit more critical than my prior posts: don't ever forget who you are or where you came from. This is a dangerous path. I'll use our friend Liza as an example. According to a fellow corporate whore, she recently booked a concert in Atlanta, GA -- at Chastain Park -- a small, neighborhood venue that's known for presenting icons, like Liza Mannelli, to their niche audiences. In this case, her most loyal followers are "the gays." Well, the day of her performance she cancelled because of knee surgery. Hmmm. I won't speculate about her surgery or her real medical conditions....but it is funny to me that she had no problem slinging herself around on the stage in Sex in the City 2 for her bizarre performance of Single Ladies (put a ring on it)...not to mention the new clothing line on HSN...yet she could not roll herself out onto the stage at a sleepy southern venue for her biggest fans?


The troubling thing is that she ditched her boys -- those that quite possibly have helped her remain relevant, despite all of her issues over the years. This scenario could apply in any profession. Whether you're a fast track executive, an aging diva or a working class corporate whore, don't forget where your bread is buttered and who helped you get where you are. If and when this happens you face leaving your corporate whore behind in exchange for a full blown street prostitute with no family, friends, followers or fans. Always keep your "whore" in check! And last but not least, don't ever fuck with the gays!


Oh, by the way, if your schedule allows, check out the YouTube video of that Single Ladies performance. It's worth a gander and it will reinforce my lesson.


Until next time...


Friday, July 2, 2010

Nipples in the Workplace?




I just have one question: what do you do when one of the most senior, female executives in your company has a habit of showing up to meetings, presentations or lunch with HUGE, unrestrained, erect nipples poking through her clothing? So much that folks talk about it and are so distracted that they don't ever remember what she said. I'd love to hear how you savvy people have handled this in a way that is constructive, yet does not screw with your ability to stay employed and climb that steep corporate ladder. I say go to (http://www.johnlewis.com/) to the "underwear solutions" section and purchase some silicone nipple covers (better known as "petal tops"), slip them in an inter-office envelope and send them to her office anonymously....

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

How to Make a Short Executive Taller





This is corporate whoring at its best. How many of you leave work feeling cheap and dirty after having to build up a munchkin in the office? Well, fellow prostitutes, I've had my share of this kind of "work" and after a while it becomes old hat. Although you'd hope it not necessary, i have a few tips that can help you increase the "elevation" in your office. Whether you work for one, supervise one, support one or live with one, there are tangible benefits to short men feeling tall. First, always position yourself lower than his eye level -- in other words you need to adjust your posture or desk chair so that you're shorter when seated in front of him. It will make him happy. Second, it's always got to be his idea -- you'll get your desired outcome & score points if you can help him shine and feel smart. Perceived intelligence always helps the little person. Third, subtly "pump him up" when it's appropriate -- agree with his brilliant ideas, compliment his power Rolex, note his tailored shirt and get "misty" at mention of his private jet or amazing car -- this will make him grow AND it will make him more open to your opposing points of view, when you need to have them. Last, but not least: always, always, always remember that it's all about him -- you will get more traction with the small executive if you have every conversation, present every idea and navigate every situation looking through that lens. I'd love to hear your tips, too!

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Power Hungry Executive Assistant....






You've all met him or her. It's the executive assistant that thinks he (or she) has all the power of his executive....and abuses it. I'm going to generalize here, but this is especially true of those assistants that support really high level executives AND have no meaningful life outside of their work. It's the person that lives in an unremarkable, unfulfilled, lonely and tragic life -- he (or she) then looks to his job and company to augment what's missing outside of the office. It's this person that looks at every phone call, meeting request, drive-by visit or email as a "moment of power" that exists in his otherwise empty life. Funny thing is that because of the ever present politics and desires to stay on the "good side" of the executive in charge, the bulk of the folks dealing with this pitiful assistant will find themselves kissing up to him (or her).....which feeds the beast and perpetuates the perceived (or real) power play of the executive assistant. In other words, for a minute or two, it gives the assistant the false feeling of relevance, which is addictive -- like a drug. How many of you know one of these creatures? And what should be done so that we don't waste another second trying to stay in the good graces of an assistant simply because he (or she) is miserable and has lost sight? Do tell....

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A Different Way to Look at the Corporate "Pissing Contest"






Women get a bad name in Corporate America......or do they? During my years as an executive, I've noticed that successful women typically get labeled one way or another. It's completely understood and expected for men to be competitive, aggressive, direct and "cut throat" as they make deals, maneuver the board room and climb the corporate ladder -- we typically admire their success and their ability to maintain positions of power and influence. We joke that, occasionally, they find themselves in a "pissing contest" and laugh about which one comes to the party with bigger or better equipment - it's pretty straight forward - and it all seems normal. But what do we think of women who make their way to the top? Different words usually come to mind: bitch, hard core, ice queen, diva, power hungry, volatile, passive-aggressive, driven, emotional, clawing her way to the top.... and on and on it goes..... Personally, i think the corporate machine holds women to a different standard when it comes to power and leadership. It seems they get criticised for some of the same behaviors that their male counterparts are rewarded for and they have to work twice as hard to overcome the negative perceptions. With that said, i must say, that women don't do each other ANY favors in the workplace. You'd think that they would form their own "good old boys club," a support system or a sense of community in the office. NOT SO MUCH. In fact, their mode of operation is much more complicated and often more covert than the guys. While some of the same agendas and goals may exist, in my experience, female executives are much less direct about how they interface with their peers and each other. For example, while there's really only one measure for the boys pissing contest, there are many more subtle ways women can compete. At the moment, it's all about the shoes: who's got the biggest, baddest pair of Christian Louboutins. You may think I'm kidding. Next time you stroll around the c-suite, take a look....you'll notice there's more than one way to have a "big one" in the office. I'll keep you posted as the "measure" changes and, in the meantime, watch carefully as the executives in your company find new and different ways to compete!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Annoying Resumes & Cover Letters.....Don't Piss Off the Hiring Manager

It's Saturday, and another week of prostitution has come to a close. A bit of advice for all of you job seekers: think carefully about how you compose your next offer letter (aka plea for gainful employment). DON'T BRAG ABOUT YOUR OVERPRICED EDUCATION -- TELL ME WHAT I REALLY NEED TO HEAR..... My small business owner / friend says, "i can fucking read your resume; I'm capable of seeing your poor academic choices." In other words, tell me something that matters. Like, what you can actually do. Or how you actually contributed. Or what did you learn. Or most important.....what can you DO FOR ME or YOURSELF. In these trying economic times, we are flooded with ridiculous, meaningless, inflated, irritating and dishonest applications for employment. If you want to cut through the noise, make it mean something -- like Lady GAGA would do for a song. If you're wondering, this is my first post -- so things will only get more graphic related to the insane dances we do with each other and corporate America.