Would you like the premium casket?

Did anybody watch "Six Feet Under?" Personally, I think it's quite possibly the most brilliant television show ever produced. It certainly poked fun at life and death, but it also illuminated the prostitution that is ever-present in the business of funerals, memorials, burials, embalming and cremation. Until recently, I've never experienced it first hand.....but let me tell you....the world's oldest profession is alive and well inside the walls of your local funeral home. The first thing that the funeral director said to me was, "have you been to our facility....and would you like a tour?" Who wants to tour a funeral home? After politely declining the tour, I was quickly escorted to a conference room that was flanked with death options and trendy urns, including some that were engraved with the state's college football teams. REALLY? Once the funeral director got past the obligatory condolences he marched forward with his script, which I'm sure was full of "add-ons" that would make everything really special for my loved one....unfortunately I cut him off at the knees when I told him there would be no burial, no service and no designer urn. With all of that said, I have to give him credit: he read the cues and he "closed the sale" without too much street walking. It's one thing to be a whore in a traditional corporate, for profit environment that produces a product, a television show or a service. But to tap into someone's loss for a company's gain is just about the worst kind of trick you can turn. Whores, you gotta draw the line somewhere...

Whoring extends beyond corporate America

Well, we always knew it was true. But in academia? Really? I think the answer is "YES!" Having been surrounded by academics my entire life, i can tell you that they, too, have their price. But they rationalize it with their sense of intellectual superiority and their perceived (or real) commitment to education and research. However, the politics, egos and agendas are just as present in the University as they are in corporate America. The big difference, in my mind, is that you can resist, fight and reject the system once you have tenure. In other words, whoring can have a timeline once you have those golden university handcuffs that promise lifetime employment, pension, benefits etc. -- things that are virtually non-existent with mainstream employers. This, alone, could be an argument for a career in education since it gets harder and harder to turn "tricks" as you get older. Imagine this, Corporate Whores: what would happen if you had "tenure?"

If you want a fun read that pokes fun at academic whoring (literally and figuratively), you should check out "The Student Body." It's a novel that describes the underground culture at Harvard University, including a prostitution ring! Enjoy!

http://www.thestudentbody.com/

Don't Forget What's Important Fellow Whores....

So, let's take it outside of the office, shall we? Our kind of prostitution happens in every corner of the earth. Today's message is a bit more critical than my prior posts: don't ever forget who you are or where you came from. This is a dangerous path. I'll use our friend Liza as an example. According to a fellow corporate whore, she recently booked a concert in Atlanta, GA -- at Chastain Park -- a small, neighborhood venue that's known for presenting icons, like Liza Mannelli, to their niche audiences. In this case, her most loyal followers are "the gays." Well, the day of her performance she cancelled because of knee surgery. Hmmm. I won't speculate about her surgery or her real medical conditions....but it is funny to me that she had no problem slinging herself around on the stage in Sex in the City 2 for her bizarre performance of Single Ladies (put a ring on it)...not to mention the new clothing line on HSN...yet she could not roll herself out onto the stage at a sleepy southern venue for her biggest fans?

The troubling thing is that she ditched her boys -- those that quite possibly have helped her remain relevant, despite all of her issues over the years. This scenario could apply in any profession. Whether you're a fast track executive, an aging diva or a working class corporate whore, don't forget where your bread is buttered and who helped you get where you are. If and when this happens you face leaving your corporate whore behind in exchange for a full blown street prostitute with no family, friends, followers or fans. Always keep your "whore" in check! And last but not least, don't ever fuck with the gays!

Oh, by the way, if your schedule allows, check out the YouTube video of that Single Ladies performance. It's worth a gander and it will reinforce my lesson.

Until next time...

Nipples in the Workplace?

I just have one question: what do you do when one of the most senior, female executives in your company has a habit of showing up to meetings, presentations or lunch with HUGE, unrestrained, erect nipples poking through her clothing? So much that folks talk about it and are so distracted that they don't ever remember what she said. I'd love to hear how you savvy people have handled this in a way that is constructive, yet does not screw with your ability to stay employed and climb that steep corporate ladder. I say go to (http://www.johnlewis.com/) to the "underwear solutions" section and purchase some silicone nipple covers (better known as "petal tops"), slip them in an inter-office envelope and send them to her office anonymously....

How to Make a Short Executive Taller

This is corporate whoring at its best. How many of you leave work feeling cheap and dirty after having to build up a munchkin in the office? Well, fellow prostitutes, I've had my share of this kind of "work" and after a while it becomes old hat. Although you'd hope it not necessary, i have a few tips that can help you increase the "elevation" in your office. Whether you work for one, supervise one, support one or live with one, there are tangible benefits to short men feeling tall. First, always position yourself lower than his eye level -- in other words you need to adjust your posture or desk chair so that you're shorter when seated in front of him. It will make him happy. Second, it's always got to be his idea -- you'll get your desired outcome & score points if you can help him shine and feel smart. Perceived intelligence always helps the little person. Third, subtly "pump him up" when it's appropriate -- agree with his brilliant ideas, compliment his power Rolex, note his tailored shirt and get "misty" at mention of his private jet or amazing car -- this will make him grow AND it will make him more open to your opposing points of view, when you need to have them. Last, but not least: always, always, always remember that it's all about him -- you will get more traction with the small executive if you have every conversation, present every idea and navigate every situation looking through that lens. I'd love to hear your tips, too!

The Power Hungry Executive Assistant....

You've all met him or her. It's the executive assistant that thinks he (or she) has all the power of his executive....and abuses it. I'm going to generalize here, but this is especially true of those assistants that support really high level executives AND have no meaningful life outside of their work. It's the person that lives in an unremarkable, unfulfilled, lonely and tragic life -- he (or she) then looks to his job and company to augment what's missing outside of the office. It's this person that looks at every phone call, meeting request, drive-by visit or email as a "moment of power" that exists in his otherwise empty life. Funny thing is that because of the ever present politics and desires to stay on the "good side" of the executive in charge, the bulk of the folks dealing with this pitiful assistant will find themselves kissing up to him (or her).....which feeds the beast and perpetuates the perceived (or real) power play of the executive assistant. In other words, for a minute or two, it gives the assistant the false feeling of relevance, which is addictive -- like a drug. How many of you know one of these creatures? And what should be done so that we don't waste another second trying to stay in the good graces of an assistant simply because he (or she) is miserable and has lost sight? Do tell....

A Different Way to Look at the Corporate "Pissing Contest"

Women get a bad name in Corporate America......or do they? During my years as an executive, I've noticed that successful women typically get labeled one way or another. It's completely understood and expected for men to be competitive, aggressive, direct and "cut throat" as they make deals, maneuver the board room and climb the corporate ladder -- we typically admire their success and their ability to maintain positions of power and influence. We joke that, occasionally, they find themselves in a "pissing contest" and laugh about which one comes to the party with bigger or better equipment - it's pretty straight forward - and it all seems normal. But what do we think of women who make their way to the top? Different words usually come to mind: bitch, hard core, ice queen, diva, power hungry, volatile, passive-aggressive, driven, emotional, clawing her way to the top.... and on and on it goes..... Personally, i think the corporate machine holds women to a different standard when it comes to power and leadership. It seems they get criticised for some of the same behaviors that their male counterparts are rewarded for and they have to work twice as hard to overcome the negative perceptions. With that said, i must say, that women don't do each other ANY favors in the workplace. You'd think that they would form their own "good old boys club," a support system or a sense of community in the office. NOT SO MUCH. In fact, their mode of operation is much more complicated and often more covert than the guys. While some of the same agendas and goals may exist, in my experience, female executives are much less direct about how they interface with their peers and each other. For example, while there's really only one measure for the boys pissing contest, there are many more subtle ways women can compete. At the moment, it's all about the shoes: who's got the biggest, baddest pair of Christian Louboutins. You may think I'm kidding. Next time you stroll around the c-suite, take a look....you'll notice there's more than one way to have a "big one" in the office. I'll keep you posted as the "measure" changes and, in the meantime, watch carefully as the executives in your company find new and different ways to compete!